Sunday, September 30, 2012

The Waitress Asks, "What Is It You Wish?"

The waitress asks, "What is it you wish?"
Whether soup or meat, dessert or fish.
She spills things galore,
In pacing the floor,
And often her thumb you'll find in the dish.

There Once Was A Gallant Knight-Errant (Vintage Limerick - Circa 1906)

There once was a gallant knight-errant
Whose lady-love had a stern parent
He wore steel shirts and pants
And a sword and a lance
But the young folks afraid of him weren't

Saturday, September 29, 2012

He Learned To Play Tunes On A Comb (Vintage Limerick - Circa 1906)

He learned to play tunes on a comb
And he became such a nuisance at homb
That Ma spanked him, and then -
"Will you do it again?"
And he cheerfully answered her, "Nomb."

There Was A Dumb Ghost Called Liam - Halloween Limericks

There was a dumb ghost called Liam
In the dark it was quite hard to see 'im
But during the day
You might hear him say
"Watch me seize the carpe diem!"

There Was A Young Lady Of Maine (Circa 1906)

There was a young lady of Me. (Maine)
Who was of her beauty quite ve.
But a freckle or two
Later came on in view,
And drove the young lady inse.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

Half An Inch Shorter - A Flapper Limerick

Half an inch, half an inch, half an inch shorter
The skirts are the same for Mother and Daughter
When the wind blows
Each of them shows
Half an inch, half an inch more than they oughter

Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Whinin' Cheese (Whine and Cheese Limericks)

The cheddar wheel started to whine,
"The unpleasant odor's not mine,
Limburger's the source,
Of the stink, of course,
My nice bouquet is just fine."

Monday, September 24, 2012

Strollers Cigarette Limerick Contest (Harold Lloyd)

When interviewed Harold Lloyd said
"I'd rather stay single then wed.
For when I'm at home
Through the house I may roam
With STROLLERS till I go to bed."

Sunday, September 23, 2012

Complete Dwarves Song - A Limerick (of a sort) Song From The Hobbit

Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away 
Ere the break of day
To seek the pale enchanted gold

The dwarves of yore made mighty spells,
While hammers fell like ringing bells
In places deep, 
Where dark things sleep,
In hollow halls beneath the fells.

For ancient kings and elven lords
There many a gleaming golden hoard
They shaped and wrought, 
And light they caught
To hide in gems on hilt of sword.

On silver necklaces they strung
The flowering stars, on crowns they hung
The dragon-fire, 
On twisted wire
They meshed the light of moon and sun.

Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away 
Ere the break of day
To claim our long-forgotten gold.

Goblets they carved there for themselves
And harps of gold; where no man delves
There lay they long, 
And many a song
Was sung unheard by men and elves.

The pines were roaming on the height,
The winds were moaning in the night.
The fire was red,
It flaming spread;
The trees like torches blazed with light.

The bells were ringing in the dale
And men looking up with faces pale;
Then dragon's ire 
More fierce than fire
Laid low their towers and houses frail.

The mountain smoked beneath the moon;
The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom.
They fled their halls 
To dying fall
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon.

Far over the misty mountains grim
To dungeons deep and caverns dim
We must away 
Ere the break of day
To win our harps and gold from him!

Saturday, September 22, 2012

A Hobbit Movie Poem

The dwarves, they came to the Shire
They knew they'd be dealing with fire
"You'll be handling dragons
So you must have a Baggins,"
Said Gandalf, with warnings most dire

Friday, September 21, 2012

The Dwarves' Song - A Hobbit Limerick (Courtesy of JRRT himself)

Far over the misty mountains cold
To dungeons deep and caverns old
We must away, 

'Ere break of day,
To find our long-forgotten gold.

Thursday, September 20, 2012

Peanuts Halloween Limericks (Linus, Sally, and the Great Pumpkin)

Our Linus and Sally did wait
In the patch, for the Pumpkin, Great
But as Sally feared
It never appeared
And a candy-less night was their fate.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Leather Limerick Postcard - There Was A Young Girl From Cohoes

There was a young girl from Cohoes,
Who kept all her coin in her hose.
Her increasing wealth
Made her fearful of stealth
--How would you like to be the watchman?

Monday, September 17, 2012

There Once Was A Fellow Named Russell - Limerick Postcard

There once was a fellow named Russell
Who went around wearing a bustle.
When folks turned to stare,
They saw it down there,
And thought it was really his muscle.

Sunday, September 16, 2012

There Was A Young Girl Named Bianca - Nothing But Limericks

There was a young girl named Bianca,
Asleep on a ship whilst at anchor,
But awoke with dismay,
When she heard the mate say,
"Let's hoist up the main sheet and spanker."

Saturday, September 15, 2012

Baby Ruth Advertisement - A Kangaroo Mother And Son

A kangaroo mother and son,
Can go merrily jumping as one,
They're off to the store,
For a treat they adore,
Baby Ruth adds so much to the fun.

Friday, September 14, 2012

A Longview Barber Shop Limerick

If you find that your head is too hairy,
And the look you present is too scary,
Do what the strong do -
Get over to Longview,
And see Jeremy, Dave, Nick or Merry.

Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Scottish Nuckelavee Monster - A Halloween Limerick

There's a monster called Nuckelavee
This creature, it comes from the sea
Horse body, human head
No skin, eyes of red
From its breath, you'll never get free

Wednesday, September 12, 2012

Were You Born In Old October, Never Fear (A Halloween Birthday Limerick)

Were you born in old October, never fear
Tho' 'tis hunting season, I won't shoot you dear
But look out for Hunter Dan
He will get you if he can
'Cause he's hunting me a valentine, my dear!

Monday, September 10, 2012

Joe Biden Has Done It Again (Biker Chick)

Joe Biden has done it again
Like a rooster after a hen
It's a bad photo op
When the biker says stop
Joe never knows when to say when

Sunday, September 9, 2012

Ohio State Buckeyes Football Limerick

The football season is here,
The Bucks have reason to cheer!
Our band, we're so proud,
And the roar of the crowd,
It's always so pleasin' to hear,

Saturday, September 8, 2012

A Woman Who Tended To Preen

A woman who tended to preen
Had hair with a nice, glossy sheen
All the men stared
But she never cared
She lived for and loved to be seen

Friday, September 7, 2012

Dortmunder Gold Beer Limerick - Great Lakes Brewing

It's not made in Germany, I know,

But give this good lager a go,

You'll be filled with wonder,

When tasting Dortmunder,

                      Thanks to Great Lakes Brewing Co.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Bedazzled By The Likes Of You - A Sexy Witch Limerick

 Bedazzled by the likes of you
So charmed by all you say and do
On Halloween Day
You blew me away
Heck. . . blame it on the witch's brew!

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Said A Bat To An Owl In An Oak - An Olde Halloween Limerick

Said a Bat to an Owl in an oak-
"This Halloween Night is a joak!"
And that wise-looking bird
Replied: "Yes, it's absird,
I was thinking so when I awoak."

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Suave Vampire - Halloween Limericks

The vampire is a very suave creature
Was the lesson that Vlad tried to teach her
"He leaves his coffin
Just every so often,"
Said Vlad as he leapt up to reach her.

There Once Was A Vampy Old Witch - A Halloween Limerick

There once was a vampy old witch,
The thought of her near made me twitch,
But she had a nice twin,
With a similar grin,
My thought?  Which witch was which?

Monday, September 3, 2012

There Once Was A Gal From Ohio - A Cinco De Mayo Limerick

There once was a gal from Ohio
She was born on Cinco de Mayo
She drank light Corona
And sang My Sharona
When she recalled the 80s she'd cry - oh!

The Praises of Beer (Wooden Shoe Lager)

I sing the praises of beer,
To everyone able to hear,
Hops, barley and yeast,
Good water, not least,
To all who imbibe - good cheer!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

There Once Was A Man From Nantucket

There once was a man from Nantucket,
An oyster, there was, in his bucket,
When asked his intent,
The reply from this gent -
"If it matters to you, I'll shuck it!"

Said A Lassie, Whose Name Was Mac Whistle

Said a lassie, whose name was Mac Whistle,
To her laddie "Now sit by this thistle"
Said he " I was ne'er built
To sit down in a kilt!
So I'll stand just a wee while and whistle".

There Was A Young Man Called M'Kie - A Bagpipe Limerick

There was a young man called M'Kie
Who to master the bagpipes did try,
But the neighbors resented,
The music he vented,
And he sleeps in the kirkyard close by.

Saturday, September 1, 2012

Hey Mabel, Another Black Label!

There once was a waitress named Mabel,
She'd come to you at your table,
With a smile and a wink,
She'd ask, "What'll you drink?"
For me, it was Carling's Black Label.